Sometimes I write notes to people. They're cathartic notes that I'll never share with them, almost a look in my diary. But I'll share this one with you because it was a turning point for me this year.
This is so incredibly convoluted. I like you and I care for you and I love you. I’m just not sure I’m in love with you. I can fall in love with you. Am I falling in love with you? But can I even trust you?
It feels right when I’m with you. But maybe it’s just because I haven’t found who’s really right. And I think you think we’re it. That we’re gonna be together. One day. When you’re ready. How do I tell you I’m not so sure?
That I want to be sure it’s you. That I want it to be you. But that I just don’t know.
We connect. It’s like BAM BOOM WOW. It’s all sorts of perfect. And even when it’s just the two of us, together, alone, it’s perfect. We fit.
But there are so many layers to you. So many women after you. So many little secrets and little things you wouldn’t be able to give. Or you wouldn’t want to give up.
There are so many little things I wouldn’t trust. And quite honestly, I know we wouldn’t last. It’s so unlikely. But I stay. Because you’re comfortable. We’re comfortable. And because when it’s just us, you make me happy. You make me smile. It’s cheesy.
I don’t know if to give it a try. If I’m making a fool of myself. I just don’t know what you want me to do. That would be so much easier. Because I don’t know what I want to do.
I’m scared none of it would work – and then what was it all for? Why would we take the jump? If it didn’t work once, why would it work again? It won’t. And I think we both know that. We want to pretend it’s not true, but we know it is.
You don’t want to go back and give up your life for me. It doesn’t make sense to you.
I just don’t know how serious you would be. And I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want to give it a shot. I’m pretending that I don’t hear your comments (“why is it so easy with us” “so what happens when I leave”).
I’m afraid to get hurt. That it won’t be right. And that this time, it’ll be me breaking your heart.